Notes on solitude, isolation, and I LIVE ALONE (2013 - present)
Note: OP wrote this during Pride month and decided to go on with it, please bear with the outdated references.
After 22 and before 30, aloneness is believed to be one of the attractive traits of an everything-stable person, for it exhibits independence, self-determination, total freedom; but that is if you choose to be alone. Thereafter, the air around that subject matter feels different. Some say that being alone is only exciting when you’re in your late 20s, or it gets sour and boring when each of the individuals in your circle begins to wed.
Out of a supposed vacuum, there is a stigma in people rejoicing and existing as a bachelor, bachelorette, and/or bachelorx, especially when they are working their way through the life that they aspire to have. Because solitude seems like a way to live loudly, it presents and is portrayed as an essential adventure that one should experience at least once. The delight of newfound independence perpetuates one's journey to adulthood; or at least it’s what the adage says. And then it stops, because of said stigma about people living alone.
According to the most accurate source — me — aloneness is the state of consciously feeling and believing in going out and living life and being content, by yourself. But what I’m talking about is different, or at least the subject of what I’m talking about. For example, aloneness is different for women. Isyana Artharini mentions how female aloneness is generally seen as ‘a lack of options’ (buy her book, y’all. It’s so good!). To that extent, I feel it’s also very different for queer people, somehow.
Everybody can feel a little bit sad and lonely, but it’s peculiar to feel those feelings during Pride month with all of these anti-queer reports that are happening. Be it in the West or in my country, to be proud of who you are means you are ready for the consequences. But nobody prepares you for the sense of dejectedness that comes with being alienated. Sure, queerness is a collective — in the sense that most people are probably queer too without us knowing — but we all know that specific feeling of ‘Wow, I might be alone in this shit.’ Before you know it, self-seclusion becomes a part of you because there’s an internalization that ‘Whatever I do, or am with, I would still be alone.’ Isolation becomes the norm, for we are unable to find new friends or longing for connections that are outside our reach.
My obsession with Korean media has grown a lot since last year, especially with K-pop. I started to purchase the physical albums with all of its bits and pieces, and watched all of the music videos and vlogs, including Korean variety shows. One show caught my attention exactly, called I LIVE ALONE (or HOME ALONE). According to MyDramaList, this program shows ‘the daily lives of celebrities without any significant filtering in order to make them relatable in South Korea.’ Hosted by seven hosts (notably funny people like comedian Park Na-rae, Hwasa of MAMAMOO, and Key of SHINee), they gather in a studio room and basically…watch people’s daily activities. Their morning routine, what they eat for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner, their conversation with other people, et cetera. Mostly it’s funny but it’s not without its somber moments.
One of my favorite episodes is the Sandara Park (yes, of 2NE11) episode from last year where she confesses that after 38 years (which is her age) she is finally living by herself. At first I was startled, then it dawned on me that she was an idol where they usually live in a dorm along with other members. After the disbandment of 2NE1, she’s been living with her family. I guess afterwards, you start to get the feeling that yes, I want to live alone. So that’s what she did.
I love how the hosts observe all the little things that they do in their own home. It’s not necessarily picking on them but it’s just some things that you notice that maybe people have in common. Like how people take their coffee, or how they cook their ramyeon, or how the sofa is always cornered in some wall, making the TV set feel so far away. These are all the traits of people who are so in tune with themselves in order to make their own sanctuary comfortable. Sandara Park doesn’t care with the fact that she cooks ramyeon with a ramyeon maker like the one at the mini-markets. She chooses to have practicality and easiness in her life — along with how she prefers to wake up by turning on her TV to a show that she loves.
With this show, I instantly get reminded of the days where I used to live alone during college. I was NOT all about healthy lifestyle. I loved waking up at noon, putting on a cigarette while doom-scrolling for the cheapest coffee as breakfast. I loved how I was so enamored by people who cook at home so much that I bought a plate of raw chicken filet while not knowing how to cook it properly. Salt and pepper were the only seasonings that I had. It was pretty rad, but also pretty sad. With that being said, I wouldn’t change the amount of exploring and experimenting with the lifestyle of being alone with anything. Something about being young and naive combined the recipe of comfort and fear of aloneness, that’s just. how I recognized a part of my true self.
After college, I went back home and fought for the same independence that I had been accustomed to. But the situation won’t allow me, and that made me ponder, how come that coming home prohibited me growing and being who I am?
Sandara Park shows her place with a big smile and confusion painted on her face, knowing that she’s going to have. In the show, the mystery guest is coming to Dara’s house for a housewarming party. Without ever knowing how to cook, she persisted. She took out a plate of frozen brisket and proceeded to plop the whole thing onto the wok, it was a chaotic thing to watch and yet it’s so delicious to see! Another menu that she’s making is Mexican burgers, which are just burgers that you put tortilla chips and guacamole and salsa on top of the patty. Of course, as she prepared, her hands tripped the salsa cup and it spilled over. The hosts weren’t laughing but so much so as cringing and feeling bad because this is a very relatable thing. When the bell rings, Dara approaches the door and the mystery guest turns out to be…
The episode was a hilarity in itself, from CL picking on Dara and telling her to stop cooking for herself (despite Dara being older than CL), them exchanging stuff such as bags and sunglasses, CL taking Dara’s basic amenities like vitamins, medicine, and ramyeon. The part that warms me the most is the conversation where they’re eating and CL congratulating Dara for finally living alone for the first time. As a Blackjack2 and an aspiring renter, this segment brings nostalgia to the past. How hanging out with my friends at their place is just basically riffing with each other and eating good food.
The show unveils the desire to envision a world so open and unabashedly for myself. So I can become who I am in the midst of the restrictions that the world has placed in front of me. The kinds that go against the tradition turn out to be what’s best for me and my soul. Will I be able to attain that for myself? Will I be peaceful with my significant other without disrupting the wishes that my ancestors (apparently) had wanted for me? Maybe you think it’s a lot of cockamamies, yet it has proven to be working on my end. But you’d think… My God, all of these sacrifices for living alone?
Maybe now is not the right moment or situation, but the nowness of it all just anticipates the genesis of my future life. I try to acknowledge and shed the very bad part of myself because that’s a part of living alone. Right now, even though I’m surrounded by people, I function best when I’m by myself. I feel more content, but I also feel like I’m being left behind. Bliss is only a day away, only if I can cheat out of a way to peek into time.
In the meantime, stream NewJeans, you guys!
One of the biggest K-pop acts during the second generation, along with SNSD
2NE1’s fandom name