The Meaning of Mariah Carey — To Me*

*this is the long expanded version of my Goodreads review

On September 29th of 2020, Mariah Carey dropped her long-awaited memoir, fittingly titled The Meaning of Mariah Carey. How very Aries of her, in the most endearing way. I had pre-ordered the book from a week before, which was a mistake because I should’ve done that months before. I had forgotten how to order books online and I undermined myself by thinking that the local bookstores would probably have the books when it’s finally released. So when it was finally out, I panicked at the fact that my book has yet to arrive, so I disconsolately had to go to the last resort and download the .epub illegally (SORRY, MARIAH) — so I could finally get my hands and devour the meaning, of Mariah Carey.

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For those of you who do know me, Mariah Carey is — and has been — the centre of my musical adoration, as well as the foundation and lens of how I build and/or see love for myself and other people. She has been in every moment of my life from the very first start of my puberty — the first gift that a group of friends had ever gotten for me for my birthday was the CD of her debut album, Mariah Carey. Mind you, for a junior high kid living in Indonesia, CDs were considered to be expensive, especially when the artists are from the nineties. What made it so heartwarming too was that they were my very first group of friends that loved me for who I was (am?). So this, in of itself, was the very first taste of love that I got to experience. It was amazing and I cherished that forever.

Quite honestly, I don’t remember when was the genesis of my love for Mariah Carey began. As she has stated in the opening of her memoir’s preface, “I refuse to acknowledge time, famously so.” For me, that is a testament of someone who has been through it all, but it’s also a very funny remark. Before I know it, that establishes the very love-hate relationship that I have had with time and memory. How this sense of humour, derived from years and years of trauma, has blurred the concept of remembering. Time is now irrelevant — but a feeling? An intense wave of emotions? That has become the parameter of tracing and rediscovering of the past; my past. This has always been tangible in Mariah’s music and lyrics. She recalls memories, as if she takes a strand of herself and embroider a picturesque pattern with such strong intensity.

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I wholeheartedly absorbed the memoir in just a day and a night. I cried, almost five times — which was surprising because I really thought that I would be drowned my my own creation of puddle of tears. But in each cry, the tears were accompanied by a mixture of tremulous feelings, petty giggles, and love. Love streamed through each page and it was sprinkled in the form of Mariah’s iconic utterances; ‘dahhling!’, ‘bleak’, ‘Um, okay’. I was thoroughly entertained, but also flabbergasted by her past with her family and TM and DJ and the heavily misunderstood Glitter — she always has something to ponder about in any kind of event that she had gone through. I don’t even need to praise the writings because helloooo? She’s a SONGWRITER first and foremost! There’s a reason she was finally inducted to the Songwriters Hall of Fame!

With my immaculate knowledge of hers (including studying her recording vocals, her live vocals, her background vocals, listening to her albums & B-sides & remixes, watching her live performances and interviews and music videos and such), I began to correlate the events that she had written in the memoir to the closest period of time where she was seen publicly. I don’t need to get into the details of it all, I’m sure we all have read all the articles concerning the memoir and her music. As I have said before, I do have a problem on remembering certain things. But I know that the feelings that I have felt during the reading of the memoir have become a part of me. They are now the tools for me to navigate life, or to escape from it. Mariah Carey is the reason why I love music, and why I love — and constantly look for — love. I do consider her as an idol (Lord knows how idolization can get disappointing most of the times), but also, I consider her more as a friend that I have never met. The kind of ‘friend’ in school that we know of, but never actually talk. Kind of like a friend crush.

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The fact that she’s an Aries makes so much sense to me, since four of the best people in my life are also Aries. But also, this becomes something that I unintentionally hold onto so well. I mythologize, spiritualize, and romanticize things and situations in my head so they would be palatable and attainable to me. Of course, that usually becomes its own demise. I learned that, and maybe Mariah did too. But be that as it may, we both feel like in order for the lessons to really stick in our heads, something has to happen. Perhaps it’s like taking a leap of faith, or taking a risk; we follow our guts no matter what, which is not really the best idea.

Which is why in this memoir, Mariah decided to reframe her perspectives. She has the say and she gets to finally own her narrative based on what had happened to her and what those circumstances had done to her. No one really wants to dwell on the past or retraumatized by the abuse that one has endured their whole life. By saying what she needs to say, the bad things would eventually filtered and weeded out and vanished completely from her life. What this memoir has accomplished is an excellent study on healing. A labor of love, where she unearths all the horror and puts an end to it, breaking the cycle of abuse so they wouldn’t happen to herself and Dembabies (Mariah’s sobriquet for her twins, Roc and Roe).

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Which is why, this has brought me to an ultimate closure to this bewildering and nonsensical tangent. I will go to sleep, thinking about Mariah Carey. Her songs, her lyrics, her love for the craft, her love for her family, her love for the Lambily (famously her nickname for us fans), and also — how they have reinvigorated my will to wake up, my will to create, and my will to graciously live.

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Finally, let me introduce you to one of Mariah Carey’s best songs, a song that was meant to be the single for Charmbracelet, but it didn’t go through. Pay attention, specifically to the lyrics — a perfect confession for us who has been through it for love, and still, we fight for love.