This year should’ve been easy for us all, don’t you think?
Looking at the structure of this year, numerically — 2020 — it’s so easy to say and look at, right?
Well.
But really!
For some reason, it became one of the worst years in our lifetimes. With Miss Rona World Tour, the evil empire that is the police & prison-industrial complex, and the ever-flaming racism and its other worse -isms — it’s so hard for us to keep track of it all. Your sanity starts to glitch a little, you don’t know the state of space & time, and now that The New Normal comes to Jakarta a little too prematurely, you are forced to choose between two options: to be brave, or to surrender.
This year is too heartbreaking and overwhelming, for a reason. Because of so much things going on, you are now unconsciously compartmentalizing the phenomenons of your lives. You deserve a little time for yourself in the midst of what’s happening in your life, but then when you start to distribute a little me-time, then comes the repercussions. For me, it’s the guilt; why are you so selfish for enjoying the day when everything’s going wrong? Have you contributed enough of your material and emotional wealth? What have you done in order for you and the people around you to feel safe and sound? Why aren’t you more alert? Why aren’t you more empathetic? Why won’t you listen? Why won’t you say anything? Why didn’t y—
Um, sorry. I went on a sudden tangent there. I guess analogizing your emotions to business terms makes your brain break too.
I don’t know, maybe this has something to do with me and the things around me nowadays.
There has been an alteration in my life, now that I am,
Get it? Hehehe.
The ruination of my liaison has ended, quite abruptly. Leaving me nothing of an explanation, which is…actually the usual within my past. At this point, you just close that chapter and move on already.
But now, I’m getting the hang of it. I can see the pattern of the past’s failures. When you (meaning I) first start going into a relationship (or the potential of one) and see something wrong, there’s a process that I somehow skip, especially when things were getting a little bizarre. For me, these kinds of somethings (let’s just call it the events) would fly several red flags for people. But not me. I would swift through the events and sit myself in for a ride, no matter how dangerous it might be. My motto was, “Either you deal with it or let the relationship falters as these events eat you up inside.”
Now that I think of it, and type it, and say it out loud — oh… What a waste of my head and my heart.
The fact that I’m trying to make a profit (read: hope or whatever) out of a shady case is already very alarming. We all know that we should always second-guess everything just to protect yourself and the future that you have illustrated in your head with such vivid details and elaborate storylines. We all know that in order to dive into a commitment, you have to have a prerequisite research based on your last assessment within yourself; whether you are ready for the outcome and/or the consequences or not.
But then, now that I think of it, and reaaaally think of it… Maybe, I have some points.
The matter of the heart is and will always be different, no matter how the pattern looks like. The outcome might be a surprise. It may last, it may fail, or it may cause complications in the future. Sure, maybe the said surprise would be minuscule, but it is still different. Much like, the economy. I know I shouldn’t keep villainizing myself nor the people I was with in order to justify this heartbreak.
But heartbreak is kind of an inevitable little bitch. You’ll never know when it hits you. Also, you would always want to feel a little bit petty after it so you could regain some of the dignity that you have left stored within that pride closet of yours. The trial and error of romance is what makes you a person, who can feel feelings so strongly that heartbreak and its accompaniments have become the official side effects.
—
So now, I am wallowing in a heartbreak for a while. It’s not that big of a deal, I got through all of it. Sometimes it took a day, a month, or even three years and eight months, give or take. I did all the usual things that people are supposed to do after the end of a relationship: signed up for dating apps, dressed myself a little more fashionable, ate my heart out (courtesy to some friends), and currently I am listening to a whole lot of sad pop songs. Your Carlys, your Charlis, your Jessies, your Robyns, your Mariahs, all of it. It sounds depressing, but what can you do about it?
After all, it is… The economy of heartbreak. (Thanks Tassa for the quotation!)
I will be okay, I’m sure of it. But then, if you’re all out there in the world wide web see me yearning and crying — I’m sorry! >.<
For now, I will just dance to the beat of new albums by Jessie Ware & Arca.
Hoping you all have an amazing day, from here to eternity.