On Reading & All Its Distractions & Obsessions
In before the 'reading is their new personality!' — hold up!
A goal. Also a screencap from A Single Man (Dir: Tom Ford, 2009)
When I was a kid, reading was the last thing that I would do routinely. I did say that back in the day that reading is my favorite thing to do, among other things. Unfortunately, the exercise had yet to be cemented, because there are distractions. I like the idea of it, but to stay in one position and read sentences after sentences was not ideal for a kid who just wanted to play. On one phase of my life, I did enjoy reading. Like in junior high — I used to devour the first two Harry Potter books like they were my breakfast, lunch, and dinner combined. I recalled the pages where the Hogwarts kids were first welcomed by a grandiose feast with lots of food, grilled chicken and other kinds of food illustrated so deliciously that I just fell in love with those paragraphs. Of course, my idea of reading back then was revolved around food and eating. Thankfully, after the discourse around J.K. Rowling, I reined my love of Harry Potter the books, and started the movie marathon instead. What was the result? It was…fine. I’d still want the wands, though.
Nevertheless, ever since I graduated college (which was two years ago), I determine to revive my love of reading, as an ode to myself. Come quarantine, I built the foundation of my reading list based on three books that had stayed in the back of my mind: Isyana Artharini’s enchanting I am My Own Home and other essays, Alexander Chee’s omnipotent How to Write an Autobiographical Novel, and Ocean Vuong’s engaging On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous (upon making the list, I got reminded of my long-lost fondness of long titles and that made me smile). So, early 2020, I started reading Saeed Jones’ memoir and this mess. Both subject matters were torrentially heavy that I became worn out afterwards. I put off reading for a month after that.
But then, I started it again. I don’t know what happened, most probably this Substack post of Phillip Picardi that did it for me. Maybe it was a force of habit, I needed a jolt of lightning to spark up my energy. Maybe it’s because I had a ton of bookmarked websites of ‘Books to Read This Year’. Maybe it’s because I had set a goal in my Goodreads to read 20 books in 2020. Maybe it’s because I wanted to diversify my reading list. Maybe all of those aspects have finally provoked me to read.
‘Ker-Xavier Roussel Reading’, Édouard Vuillard, French, c.1904
Some of you are probably wondering right now, ‘Why would you show off about being able to read? Are you trying to make this your personality now?’
Well, I aspire to.
The feeling of finally being in touch with the writings that your heart was once familiar with is unparalleled. All this time, I took this ability for granted. Not only it is a potent and unassertive tool of liberation, as told by Donaldo Macedo in his introduction for Paulo Freires’ Pedagogy of the Oppressed, but it is a fine way of rearranging your attention span that has been damaged by 15-seconds memes and 280-characters writings. Having my brain vandalized by the mischievous past & trauma as well as the questionable politics, I decided to pick up reading to both radicalize myself and also gain the ever-growing understandings that I have seemed to forgotten along the way. In another word, it is a nonchalant way to be enthused with yourself again after years of being lost. With that feeling anew, I seem to have found one of the keys to mend my loneliness, especially during this time.
This time, I put together myself a new reading list, one that has been infused by three books that I have mentioned above and my forever thirst on leftist politics. Not to be cheesily aspirational, but I really want to broaden my horizon and grow as a better human being, one that doesn’t have to defend myself for adhering to my choices, one that doesn’t have to feel constantly defeated and apologetic, and one that only wants a little sparkle in life. So, without trying to be pretentious, these are some of the books that I really want to read someday:
‘Mourning Diary’ by Roland Barthes*
‘Beloved’ by Toni Morrison*
‘Faggots’ by Larry Kramer
‘The Sluts’ by Dennis Cooper
‘Are Prisons Obsolete?’ by Angela Davis
‘All About Love: New Visions’ by bell hooks
‘Poems by Walt Whitman’ by Walt Whitman
‘Gay Bar: Why We Went Out’ by Jeremy Atherton Lin (currently on hold by @transitsanta, one of the best bookstores there is!)
‘The Way Forward Is With a Broken Heart’ by Alice Walker
‘Tell Me How Long the Train's Been Gone’ by James Baldwin
‘Live from New York: An Oral History of Saturday Night Live’ by Tom Shales
‘An Archaeology of Posing: Essays on Camp, Drag, and Sexuality’ by Moe Meyer
‘¡Hola Papi!: How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot and Other Life Lessons’ by John Paul Brammer
'The Hundred Years' War on Palestine: A History of Settler-Colonial Conquest and Resistance, 1917-2017’ by Rashid Kalidi
*I have been postponing to read these since 2019. I don’t know why, I’m scared.
These are all of course, some of the few books that are in my priority. The rest of the list is long and exhaustive and exciting, and I cannot wait to devour all of them. The list eventually grow bigger, and my Goodreads list of books I want to read becomes even longer than all the books that I have read in my life. Do I feel a little embarrassed with it? Yes. But in my defense, I cannot seem to find the right time to read! Maybe because of my Covid-19 recovery (oh yeah), or maybe because I’m at home with all the distractions there is to know.
But I can tell you this: making a list of things that you want to do or try, is so, so, so fun. Which is why I can’t recommend you guy enough to feel free to list whatever book that you deem to be interested in. This kind of fixation helps me to remember the priority that I want to do in life, specifically mine. It helps me to regain the control that I may have lost & it helps me to be at peace during this latest lockdown.
The last thing I want to say, is that I’m forever sending love and strength for those of us who are in self-quarantine — be it due to Covid exposure, Covid itself, or because of our immense love for the people. I congratulate those who are now in recovery from this (or any!) sickness; be it you yourself, your family, your friends, your loved ones, or whoever out there. Finally, I’m sending thoughts and prayers and long-lasting energy for those of us who have lost someone. May they rest truly, in peace.
Stay safe, stay smart, stay sane, and stay healthy, lovelies!