By the time I began to talk, listen, taste, form thoughts, and gain (lowkey some) autonomy, I already knew that a) I’m different, b) I’m somewhat talented, and c) I’m going to go through some hardships. During my time in school, from kindergarten to high school, friends are not hard to find but they are hard to engage with, be it emotionally and physically. Nobody appreciates Doraemon and Norah Jones like I was in junior high. Even in high school, I truly thought that we would all have some audacity and fierceness in our thirst for adulthood. So imagine I found out about that fallacy, mixed with puberty and the premature realization that you might be different than most people (read: gay), all happening in high school. Not cool!
Come second semester of my freshman year in high school, I just felt terminally alone, so I decided to join multiple school organizations and extracurriculars like choir and drama club (shut up!) because in my logical thinking, ‘these people are doing the same thing that I like, so we must be in sync with what we like, therefore we can be friends!’ Hahahaha, oh how naive I was.
Which is why I always try to create things and make projects for my own personal satisfaction. From tracing Lady Gaga’s Vogue photoshoots into drawing to writing 50-ish page of American Idol, Camp Rock, and Twilight fanfiction, all the way to recording myself singing to Adele and some Broadway tunes that I discovered through #thatshow. I enjoyed those personal projects, slowly wishing that like my coming-of-age scenario would come. You know, something like where the protagonist is doing something like that after school alone, and then there’s another person coming in and being in awe with what you’re doing and that time and place, you form a friendship. Back then, I wished that people would be into those kinds of interests as much as I did.
After a number of efforts to make friends during my high-school-to-college years, I gave up. I went through a number of unmentionable things (that after I thought about it, it was simply malevolent, no need to discuss them) and I just woke up and said, “I do not want to be friends with them anymore.” I thought that because of the diversity of the places where I live or used to live, it was going to be easy to make friends. But there was virtually no person in real life, who are in tune with my frequency, my interests, my sense of humor, et cetera. That’s where I began to turn into the mythical sphere that is world wide web. People said it’s a dangerous place to be in, and yet that is where I belonged for the very first time.
The first time I met the people who changed my life, it was on a hellhole called ASK.fm. Despite most of the problems, I have to give props to how that site can display people’s personality and interests at the same time. Sure, internet persona can be curated and designed so thoroughly. But the people I follow weren’t like that, to some extent. Somehow, their URL persona can be just as same IRL. One day in 2013, I was asked to hang out by the loveliest mutuals, a couple (now a married couple!) We hung out at some mall and they asked if I want to go to their friends’ dorm, another ASKfm mutuals whom I happened to follow. Opportunity to make new friends came along, so of course I said yes.
The first time I met A, something just clicked. I’m not big on remembering details, which is why I lead by emotions, and that was the first time where I believe, a friendship has been made, and I knew that A is going to be in my life for a very long time. I thought to myself, ‘Okay, this probably only happens once in my life, since BFF is supposed to be for one person, right?’ (a propaganda!) But then, S came along. He is another ASKfm mutual who happened to live in the same city where I used to live. There we were, three little F words so unfazed and unaware of how the world works for us, but we were in for a good time. We gush about everything, from movies to music, and most importantly, boys. It was a defining moment to me. They are my chosen family.
To be friends with people on the internet was not really a thing back in 2013, the abundance of stories of how meeting people from the internet can get ugly. Thankfully, that was not the case for me. At least 90% of the time, I’m able to be friends with them, especially from ASKfm. One project that I was able to join at the time was a charity event called, Charity.FM. It was quite a success, actually, plus because of one drama, it became the talk of the town — if the town is basically one little corner that lives perpetually on the internet. Of course, something doesn’t last forever, friendship falters, be it because one and the other. Gained some, and lost some. But one thing I acknowledge, is that A & S are still in my life. Which is why I asked them to watch FIRE ISLAND.
When I said I always try to create things, I really meant it. About five or six years ago, I thought to myself that I want to do comedy. I love comedy all my life; most of my favorite films and TV shows are comedy and I love to make people laugh. Naturally, I went through a lot of stand-up comedians, mostly female comedians like Ali Wong, Tig Notaro, Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin & Amy Schumer (truly a dark past in itself). But I wanted more! They are fun, but I wanted to watch comedians who talk about pop divas or eating ass or talking about gay stereotypes. Something that I can relate to, something like stories that my friends and I tell would tell each other. Then, I found them.
As per usual, I found about the queer comedy scene in New York (and L.A.) through Twitter, something about this series of clip of Bowen Yang being the catalyst about my discovery of them. From there, I found comedians that I truly love, like the Las Culturistas duo Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang who made a podcast about culture and faggy stuff. There’s also Joel Kim Booster who has a set that is just so blue and so fabulous in every way. There’s also Jaboukie Young-White, who…is just a legend in every way. Julio Torres and Patti Harrison, who are just as wonderful in their absurd comedy (see this Jimmy Fallon clip). There are a lot of queer comedians out there too, like John Early, DeWayne Perkins, George Civeris, Bob The Drag Queen, and so many more. I would sometimes see their friendships with each other in action on the internet, and it was glorious to see. Of course, I shed away that desire to be a comedian. I decided to be funny elsewhere instead, jury’s still out on that one.
However, all of those comedians ultimately lead me to FIRE ISLAND. This film is directed by Andrew Ahn (SPA NIGHT & DRIVEWAYS) and written by Joel Kim Booster. Described as the gay PRIDE & PREJUDICE, this film touches on racism, classism, and of course the toxicity in gay community. Noah and Howie, long-time besties with their friends Luke, Keegan, and Max, went on a yearly vacation and visit their ‘mom’ Erin in her house at the ever-topical Fire Island, a place most renowned for queer people to retreat and escape. During the weeklong trip, Noah and Howie met Will and Charlie, who will change the trajectory of their lives altogether (at least according to my understanding!)
At first, I thought it’s going to be very specific to a certain brand of gay culture, but at the end of the day — I think to myself, “This is a classic!” Yes, the film does talk a lot about the stuff that I mentioned before. But above all, it is also very sweet, tender, romantic, and surprisingly deeper than I thought. The brand of the comedy is prevalent throughout the film, but placed so strategically in between or even mixed in the subtlety and the festivity of it all. Sure, maybe the film is blue for most audiences, but for me it’s like something that I encounter everyday. It is universal and specific at the same time. This Jane Austen adaptation is as fun as Amy Heckerling’s classic CLUELESS. Most importantly, this revives my love of rom-com, the gateway into my love of cinema.
Last night, I finally baited them into watching FIRE ISLAND with me after a few screenshots, like this one.
After an hour of trying to connect the laptop to the TV screen, we finally watched it. A & S loved the film, with A consistently matching which character is the Jane Austen character and S constantly sighing (it’s a good thing!) Eventually, we all cried together. That’s when I remember again the feeling of having queer friends around me and how powerful that can be. I feel both empowered and vulnerable in front of them because comfort always arrives in tumultuous journeys.
Our youth were never pleasant nor elegant, there were drama and tears around, but we’re still here. I remember every 2 AM after clubbing nights where we’d walk to the nearest McDonald’s or KFC and eat as much chicken and fries and burgers that we could afford, I remember about the time where we’d teach each other about gay sex terms in order to be informed, I remember about how we’d always text each other every time we hook up for safety, I remember about the times where we’d accidentally talk to the same guy, everything. I remember those times because as I said before, I remember emotions and not details. They are some of the happiest times that I’ve ever gone through. I also remember about the insecurity and sabotages that we’d done to ourselves and the tough-love talks that come after it. We were no better than each other because we’re young. We learn with each other, though.
That’s what I get from watching FIRE ISLAND; about how erratic queer friendship is. There’s so much passive-aggressiveness, bitchiness, but there’s so much love in it, too. Because sometimes, for people like Noah or me, our friends are all I have. To A & S, we may not have the house, but we have the city in which we made memories and our times together, and for all of those, I thank you — for you are my chosen family.