Notes on first romance, high school, and HEARTSTOPPER (2022)
Romance, who needs ‘em? Apparently almost everybody. I certainly need it, and thankfully I have it. It’s a part of me, I think, to feel and see certain things as beautiful and a little bit tragic at times. It’s how I make sense of the reality that can be demure and eventually, a fuel for me to actually live. For years I have been searching for it and a few tumbles have taught me a lesson that what romance is should not be defined, but to be felt.
Because of general tiredness, I don’t watch films and shows that often anymore. Lately, I’m more partial to something that I can consume in a day — Brooklyn Nine-Nine (sorry but cop propaganda shows sometimes snap), Parks & Recreation, Sex & The City, every comfort shows that I can think of — mostly because it wouldn’t affected me emotionally but I definitely would enjoy it from time to time. This happened with the first season of Sex Education (loved it) and Emily in Paris (well). So when the birds’ chirps (the girls and the gays) happily about Heartstopper on Netflix, I thought to myself, “Okay, let’s have some twee fun!”
Little did I know, many tissues are dampened and wasted and crumbled, and my thighs are bruised from punching them too much.
Adapted from a webtoon which turned into serialized graphic novels by Alice Oseman, Heartstopper is a story of two teenage boys, Charlie & Nick, the polar opposite of each other. One is a nerd, a drummer, and haunted by the past; and the other one is a jock, a rugby buff, and about to face an unforeseeable future. Charlie, who is neurotic, thinks about Nick all the time. Nick, who is nice, starts to notice little things about Charlie. On paper, these characters might lean a little bit into the corny and stereotypical side, and it might true.
One day, Alice Oseman couldn't stop thinking about Charlie & Nick, the characters. So much so that in 2016, they started writing and drawing Heartstopper as a web comic. The reason is simply because "they [Charlie & Nick] brought me so much happiness." Isn’t that a simple reason? Yet sometimes, simplicity is all you need. The result is unbelievable — you can feel it on the paper and screen; the happiness of the characters in the comic. When you started to create things out of love and joy, characters and stories that you have concocted since the first creation begin to flourish into something raw and real and painfully relatable. Personally, I love stories like this, stories that grow from the characters’ point of views. Stories that may happen on real life but they look too good to be true. It sounds so desperate but I swear, it’s not. Because sometimes, they can happen.
I had known about the show when the trailer dropped. I didn’t remember much about it but I saw people raving about it, the hype was gigantic! After watching the trailer, I gave in to it the first episode. Still, there’s a gnawing feeling (or a call?) that I should check out the comic first. So I did, 3 hours of catching up with the volatile journey of Charlie and Nick and their romance with said dampened tissues beside my laptop due to my overwhelming crying. After that, yes! I WILL watch the show!
Upon watching it, I notice that the show further emphasizes its charms by casting the perfect Charlie and Nick, respectively (and wonderfully) acted by Joe Locke and Kit Connor. By employing the webtoon aesthetic into the show combined by the boys’ absolute presence, the reignition feels a lot more faithful and intense. There they are, the polar opposite of each other — the awkward piner and the ever-accidental charmer. Funnily, this goes interchangeably, there are times where Charlie gets accidentally charming (his eyes spark like no other) and Nick stares longingly to space, which is something that we all can absolutely relate. It was never forceful nor uncomfortable, but sometimes we cringe at them, mostly because of how intolerably cute they are as a duo and as a couple. This is an attestation of how masterful Locke and Connor in realizing (or else, reinventing) the romance portrayed in Heartstopper the web comic. Oh, how it reminds me of what romance felt like for me the first time I encounter it.
In high school, I was in a drama club, just to know how immensely queer I am. There were no one like me in my school (later I discovered that there are indeed, some gays) and I felt a little bit alone. Sure, I didn’t even realize how lonely I was because I was thankfully surrounded by schoolmates from my class, other classes, seniors, juniors, et cetera. The concept of loneliness didn’t wedge into me until senior year where there lies a lacuna from me and other people. I felt things differently toward men than women, and I couldn’t really speak of this to my women friends because there’s a specific set of yearning that only queer people possess. It wasn’t animalistic nor fetishistic (though it can be) but moreover a desire to be understood and cared for. A feeling of wanting to be protected and existing in our own bubble of joy and warmth.
I did get a whiff of what romance tastes like, though maybe back then I got a cold or something, because when another romance swept me off my feet, the flavor was vastly different than what it was. I believe it was a semester before I officially graduated from high school. We were having our annual drama competition where other schools in our district perform their plays. It was where I noticed a boy from another school, I forgot where I noticed him from because for some reason, I didn’t get to see his school’s play. Maybe on social media (Twitter was booming back in 2011) or maybe from a drama club friend. He was a skinny tan boy with glasses, his hair was as curly and short as any other boy; but his smile was the thing that won me over. With a help from my friend, one thing led to another and there we were, texting each other nonstop.
What happiness I felt! It was the first time I’ve ever had a boyfriend! My heart leapt out of my chest! Finally, someone wants me for who I am! Of course, we weren’t out because we knew better. Even then, our secrecy was seen as an act of nerve and gumption for shaking up the status quo. There was a time where we went to a mall that was just officially open for public. We thought it would be great since there probably won’t be a lot of people attending. But still, in the vacancy of a mall on weekdays, there were a group of people calling us bencong. We weren’t even holding hands, but he took my hand and walked away from the scene of the hate crime. After that, our relationship was a blur, at least to me. We broke up eventually because he wanted to go back to being ‘straight’ as if our relationship is like a requirement program that we can get out of easily. It was then that I mistakably made the decision to put romantic love at the top of my list of personal triumph and fulfillment in achieving real happiness. And boy, how wrong I was.
People are different. They are built and wired different. Love, as we know it traditionally, is not the trajectory that some people strive for. Happiness is not the top of a mountain that you have to climb, but it is a moment. It is a stack of photo albums, or diary entries that you pour your heart out inc or the euphoria of passionate dishes with your friends, or the cool air that goes swiftly by your hair. If you’re lucky, you’ll be enveloped by so many moments of happiness that trumps romantic love. Love of a craft, of a friend, of family, of the environment around you, or even love for the people who have to exist in this unjust world. At the end of the day, strive for what makes us happy and eventually, loved. Just remember that love draw breaths from anything, anyone, anywhere — not just romance.
This is what I ultimately realized in the show. Even though Charlie & Nick’s romantic journey is the main event, there are other kinds of romance that swarms through the show. Charlie’s friends toward Charlie, Tori’s quiet observation of Charlie, the heart of gold of Nick’s mom (another great casting!), their love of their crafts, and other kinds of romance. Sure, this is unlikely to happen in my time back in high school, but Heartstopper works as a way for me to exert my unexcavated fantasy of the ideal high school romance and relive the romance that I first experienced when I find my friends — my second family. It is a show where romance exists as the status quo, and even there are conflicts, it never really goes too ugly (at least for me).
Personally, I loved the adaptation and cannot wait for season 2. It’s the Paris trip!